“Angela Johnson” is a nom de plume. I chose it carefully to create verisimilitude with my real name. In fact, my name reflects a lot of my life history, family heritage and years of writers cramp.

“Angela Johnson” is the shortened form of “Angela Marie Theresa D’Antonio-Mendez Johnson”. That’s the kind of name you end up with, if your father is Spanish, your mother is Italian, your family is Catholic, your parents were married in the 1960’s, your husband is Scandinavian and most importantly…

… your mother was on serious pain meds when she filled out your birth certificate!!!!

Now, in case you are under the impression that I’m exaggerating, let me tell you that my real “unabbreviated” name has five more syllables than even the longest form of my nom de plume (one extra syllable in each name except Theresa).

I suppose I could have chosen “Angelica Maria Theresa DiAntonio-Menendez Johanson” (and shortened it to “Angelica Johanson”) but there is a limit to the amount of real-life ridiculousness that I am willing to incorporate into my online writing just to enhance the verisimilitude.

Just to illustrate why I chose “Angela Johnson” over “Angelica Johanson”, I’ll use the longer name for the rest of this page.

Oh, by the way… Please for the love of God don’t do this to your children.

Imagine going to Kindergarten and having the teacher try to write your name (Angelica Maria DiAntonio-Menendez) on a small table card and having to help the poor woman spell the whole bloody mess.

Imagine if your parents came to their senses after dealing with your moniker for a couple of years and decided to give your brothers and sisters their father’s last name only and make their names more American-sounding (e.g. Vincent Richard Menendez vs. Vincenzo Riccardo DiAntonio-Menendez).

Now, imagine that you are trying to fill out a form that lists your whole family and you have to explain that:

1. Your parents used to have different names but your mom took your dad’s name when you were four years old (but didn’t bother changing her daughter’s name), so her name is no longer “DiAntonio” but, yes, they were married at the time of your birth.
2. Your brothers and sisters (all five of them) have your father’s last name only but they are full brothers and sisters (not step-siblings nor half-siblings).
3. You don’t want to change your name yet because it would involve changing a driver’s license, passport, and a dozen other pieces of documentation and you really want to wait until you get married and see what your future husband wants to do.
4. That no matter how horrific your name is, changing it would give you two different maiden names which would be even worse.
5. That good grief this is the 8153rd time I’ve had to explain this.

Now, imagine that your grandmother couldn’t possibly live another minute longer unless you also had a confirmation name (changing ”Angelica Maria DiAntonio-Menendez” into  “Angelica Maria Theresa DiAntonio-Menendez”).

Now, imagine your fiancee trying to keep a straight face as he asks you, “Sweetie, would you like to keep your name the way it is or would you like to hyphenate it and make it ‘Angelica Maria Theresa DiAntonio-Menendez-Johanson’? I would be happy either way.”

(I didn’t leave any scars on his body when I beat him to a pulp - but I should have).

Now, perhaps, you will understand why my blood boils when I have to fill out a form that says, “Full Name including maiden name and/or previous name(s)“.

You might also forgive me if I get a bit irritated when the clerk “reminds” me that I “forgot” the hyphen between “Menendez” and “Johanson”. (”Um… no, there is no fucking second hyphen!!! My name is ANGELICA MARIA JOHANSON, you MORON! I only included ‘Theresa DiAntonio-Menendez’ because you asked for my full maiden name!!!“)

Oh, yes, if they’re going to make me write out all of that, they are damn well going to include “Theresa”!

Besides, I think “Angela Johnson” sounds prettier than “Angelica Johanson”… and I look more like an “Angela” than an “Angelica”.

… and I figured that people would have an easier time remembering “Angela146″ rather than “Angelica146″.